Here are some miscellaneous excerpts from my diary over the past year or so… they show the absolutely devastating fall from love and joy that I felt because of the impact of my loved one’s drug use.
Before The Drugs:
All I know is that you are, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I have ever known.
If you’ll have me, I promise I will spend every second of my life showing you how much you’re worth.
I love you. I will never take you for granted. I will love you forever.
My inner monologue speaks to me from without. The pitch has dropped, but the content is unchanged. I see my soul in your eyes. I hear my thoughts in your voice.
After The Drugs:
It makes me feel awful having to wonder if you’re being honest with me.
I feel like we’re in *completely* different worlds. I can’t live in that world with you.
I don’t feel like we’re a team right now.
This isn’t what we talked about. This isn’t how you said things would be.
Three days this week I sat at work starving because I don’t have money to get food. I’m pregnant. 😔
I checked my credit score today. It’s the lowest it’s ever been. It used to be good.
I can’t talk to you. I’m walking on eggshells. I’ve never felt so alone.
Every time I try to talk to you about how this is killing us, your response is, “I’m having a bad day,” “I can’t deal with this right now,” “You’re making me hate myself; I want to die.”
Drugs make everyone you care about feel worthless.
I’ve walked miles in the shoes of people who wouldn’t try mine on
I’ve given vials of blood for you, now mine is almost gone
Drugs take away everything good about you. All of it. Everything I love. Everything about you that made me feel loved and safe. When we got together I remember thinking I’d never feel unsafe ever again. Not with you. I was your queen. But now I’m constantly on my toes, watching my back, trying to protect myself from you… from your addiction… just hoping and praying you won’t use up my last fucking pennies this time and leave me to fend for myself.
Your addiction makes me yearn for death. Trying to convince myself you left a long time ago so I can let go. I won’t survive this…
I don’t know what happened to the man I fell in love with. He brought me more joy than I’d ever felt. I have fallen from the top of the highest mountain to the depths of the ocean.