When he looks into my eyes and tells me his plans – how it’s ALL going to be better once he can just do this one thing – I have to honestly wonder if he’s lost his mind. Does he not remember the 47 other times we’ve had this exact conversation? Is he unaware of the fact that none of these “future miracles” ever make a bit of difference?
- Get this job
- Get my license
- Get a paycheck
- Get insurance
- Get this medication
- Find a counselor
- Get my tax money
- Get through a few days clean
- Get through this last week
- See our baby born
…then I will be able to stay clean.”
But as CCR rightly said,”someday never comes.”
So I have to wonder… is it delusion? Does he truly believe the things he says? If you look into his eyes, you would believe he does.
Is it denial? Does he know somewhere in the back of his mind that it won’t happen, but he’s trying to convince us both otherwise?
Or – the scariest thought of all – is it deceit? Is he able to look me in the eyes and promise things that affect my well-being and livelihood knowing full well that they are untrue? Is he just trying to get money, trust, or keep a roof over his head so that he can keep using despite the fact that it is destroying a person he claims to love?
After a while I suppose it doesn’t even matter. His promises are empty and my world is crumbling. What is my obsession with figuring him out?